On August 1st, Z’s birthday I thought I gave him the best birthday gift ever. We were on our way to meet friends for dinner. I was having a typical girl moment in the bathroom, taking my time to get ready. Z didn’t know, but I took an extra few moments to take a pregnancy test. We have been trying for several months now, and I was two days late… which never happens because I am like clockwork. I walked out of the bathroom in disbelief… the test was positive. We were going to be parents. What great news celebrating my husband’s birthday to know that we are going to have another birthday to celebrate in our home. We were no longer two, but three.
We talked the whole ride up to meet our friends. It was special having this little secret all to ourselves. We enjoyed a wonderful birthday. I felt like I was on cloud nine the whole week just so excited. My biggest fear was not being able to have kids as so many women struggle with infertility. I was so excited about this idea, and the blessing this little bunch of cells was! All I have wanted was to be a mom, and my moment had finally come.
After our first doctor’s appointment we were right at seven weeks. We had an early ultrasound, and to see this bubble, knowing this will be our baby was so real. To actually see it! The doctor said ideally he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat, but said it is totally normal for the little guys to stay tucked back. He called it camera shy.
We talked the whole ride up to meet our friends. It was special having this little secret all to ourselves. We enjoyed a wonderful birthday. I felt like I was on cloud nine the whole week just so excited. My biggest fear was not being able to have kids as so many women struggle with infertility. I was so excited about this idea, and the blessing this little bunch of cells was! All I have wanted was to be a mom, and my moment had finally come.
After our first doctor’s appointment we were right at seven weeks. We had an early ultrasound, and to see this bubble, knowing this will be our baby was so real. To actually see it! The doctor said ideally he would have liked to have seen a heartbeat, but said it is totally normal for the little guys to stay tucked back. He called it camera shy.
When we left we felt great, and looked forward to getting another picture next week and seeing the heartbeat. The dreams started to come. We dreamt about names, nursery, telling our family. We prayed so much in thanks to our God that has created this life… what a blessing! Z was also so cute and romantic. Praying for our little one, helping me more around the house, and just lit up while looking at me, knowing our child is right there too.
A week went by, and it could not have gone any slower, for me anyways. We get to the doctor. I was “feeling” pregnant and everything went well. We saw a healthy heartbeat. The baby had grown and everything was on track. The doctor said no need to come in unless there were complications. We went ahead and made appointments for the next six months. Not being able to contain it, we decided to share with our parents and siblings about our great news. I tell you what… they were the best Skype conversations I had ever had. We were so excited to share great news after the crazy year our families have had. We thought this would be ideal to tell family, and especially if something happened… they are our support system.
My mom got me this journal. It started writing my thoughts, feelings, symptoms down. I was writing letters to my dear baby. I kept my pregnancy test, I kept our ultrasound pictures. I thought this would be a wonderful way to document my pregnancy and baby stages. I wanted to cherish these moments and capture them because who knows if I would have another. I enjoyed my journal time. It almost felt like a bonding experience. I was embracing everything piece of this blessing. I was anticipating the future.
Within two weeks (10 weeks pregnant) I had miscarried. I was devastated. We were devastated. To just think we were just a few weeks away of telling people about out little bundle. I know God has a plan. I am so thankful my body can carry a child. It is doable. I allow myself to have moments, and I still do as we are back on the trying train. I sometimes want to question why, or what happened, but ultimately… it doesn’t matter because it is all in God’s plan. I just need to bring my worries to him, and trust in him. Sometimes it is easier said than done.
It is now Thanksgiving, and no baby news. It is hard to think that we would have had our appointment this week and finding out the gender of the baby, and I really would have loved to journal about finding out, but the pages to my journal are now empty. I have not been able to
look at it or read it. I know they will be filled someday with happy memories. I keep those pages filled in my journal about our lost one because it is our journey. It was a chapter in our lives. That child will always be there and never forgotten.
Even though I have my sad moments, I am not ever sad to hear great news of a birth or pregnancy of my friends. If anything, it means more… what a precious gift that we should not take advantage of. I truly believe when we finally have that child in our arms, there will not be one moment that we will take for granted.
I do not share this to just tell people my story, but I do because if you are going through something like this… you are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Let yourself cry, and just process what you have gone through. So many people will say to you “its normal” to miscarry, and yes… it
is common, but it does not have to discount what you are feeling. Through grief people will say stupid things, but give them grace rather than hate because they are just at a loss of words of what you’re facing. You will have pages to fill in your journal someday too.
A week went by, and it could not have gone any slower, for me anyways. We get to the doctor. I was “feeling” pregnant and everything went well. We saw a healthy heartbeat. The baby had grown and everything was on track. The doctor said no need to come in unless there were complications. We went ahead and made appointments for the next six months. Not being able to contain it, we decided to share with our parents and siblings about our great news. I tell you what… they were the best Skype conversations I had ever had. We were so excited to share great news after the crazy year our families have had. We thought this would be ideal to tell family, and especially if something happened… they are our support system.
My mom got me this journal. It started writing my thoughts, feelings, symptoms down. I was writing letters to my dear baby. I kept my pregnancy test, I kept our ultrasound pictures. I thought this would be a wonderful way to document my pregnancy and baby stages. I wanted to cherish these moments and capture them because who knows if I would have another. I enjoyed my journal time. It almost felt like a bonding experience. I was embracing everything piece of this blessing. I was anticipating the future.
Within two weeks (10 weeks pregnant) I had miscarried. I was devastated. We were devastated. To just think we were just a few weeks away of telling people about out little bundle. I know God has a plan. I am so thankful my body can carry a child. It is doable. I allow myself to have moments, and I still do as we are back on the trying train. I sometimes want to question why, or what happened, but ultimately… it doesn’t matter because it is all in God’s plan. I just need to bring my worries to him, and trust in him. Sometimes it is easier said than done.
It is now Thanksgiving, and no baby news. It is hard to think that we would have had our appointment this week and finding out the gender of the baby, and I really would have loved to journal about finding out, but the pages to my journal are now empty. I have not been able to
look at it or read it. I know they will be filled someday with happy memories. I keep those pages filled in my journal about our lost one because it is our journey. It was a chapter in our lives. That child will always be there and never forgotten.
Even though I have my sad moments, I am not ever sad to hear great news of a birth or pregnancy of my friends. If anything, it means more… what a precious gift that we should not take advantage of. I truly believe when we finally have that child in our arms, there will not be one moment that we will take for granted.
I do not share this to just tell people my story, but I do because if you are going through something like this… you are not alone. Your feelings are valid. Let yourself cry, and just process what you have gone through. So many people will say to you “its normal” to miscarry, and yes… it
is common, but it does not have to discount what you are feeling. Through grief people will say stupid things, but give them grace rather than hate because they are just at a loss of words of what you’re facing. You will have pages to fill in your journal someday too.
What a great post Erin! The picture of your journal really "got me". Although I would have never wished this on anyone, I am so thankful God has given me a good friend to help process what it's really like to miscarry. You and Zack will be awesome parents someday soon! You are strong & wise! Thank you for being open with your story, you just never know how many people it will touch.
ReplyDeleteThanks Laura. I finally looked at the journal and wrote a good by letter after I wrote this. I know it sounds silly, but it just has been a good way to have some closure.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for your friendship as well, and just the support you have been for me! Your friendship is truly a blessing.